Category : Hello Again
Hi people! This time around we’re tackling anxiety and what may or may not be an autism spectrum disorder. Let’s dig in.
These blog posts are my attempt at being more social, outside of my circle of internet friends. There are very few people I talk to, and they all reside on the interwebs. I have real friends, but they are all either in school or live 1000s of miles away now.
I shut myself into this shell of quiet to hide from people. Even people who do know me know I hate talking, or being open. It’s not easy. Asking a simple question of somebody causes me a lot of anxiety, it can take days for me to ask people things.
I decided I’ve had enough of this ridiculousness. I’m not necessarily powering through it, as some people seem to think is possible. It doesn’t get any easier. It’s horrible to be scared to order a fucking coffee at Starbucks. I am trying my hardest to do these everyday things though. I am trying to be a person instead of the quiet introvert I have become.
People can be harsh and terrible creatures. Hating someone else for how they look, or who they love. It’s sickening to me. You should like or dislike people based on their actions, not who they go home to.
My fear of speaking to people stems from this hatred they are able to produce. Knowing people don’t like me is a terrifying thought, and I’m not quite sure why. It will happen through life, but the thought of it destroys me inside. It sounds a bit self centered, and of course it is. I am me, who else would I be centered around?
The worst part of the anxiety side of things is the physical manifestations it brings on: chest pains, shortness of breath, uncontrollable crying, shaking, and a plenitude of other goodies. Each panic attack brings different cards to the table. I usually just stop talking to people and recede into my thoughts when they come about, but becoming a zombie when people talk to you isn’t attractive I guess.
I also think. Constantly. I know this sounds weird, but it’s incredibly annoying. Never having a clear head, always thinking of something, forever. This is the reason I tend to blow my eardrums out with music. The lyrics help drown out my own thoughts, which strangely helps me focus on tasks.
So, here I am. My name is Lucas. If you talk to me I may burst into tears, but hey, don’t hate me for it.
Thanks for reading. If you read the whole thing, go get a cookie. I don’t have any, but you deserve one.