Me

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Me

Hello everybody. This is kind of horribly difficult for me. Not sure why. I’ve already told a good number of people who will read this. I have recently been berated for revealing my atheism to someone, so what the hell? Prune the rest of the tree while I’m at it.

If you decide to hate me based on learning more about me, what does that say about you?

If you’re gonna hate me for being myself, kindly fuck off.

Now, my parents are some of the best people in the world. I have, however, been terrified to tell them. It’s not really a big deal in my family, but I feel like I can’t really be myself until everyone knows. So, here goes:

I am bisexual. I like both guys and gals.

Some things to know:

  1. My attraction to both genders works just like straight or gay people’s attractions to each other. I am not attracted to everyone, nor am I some slut who wants to bang the world. I am attracted to different people for different reasons.
  2. I am not coming out as bi because I am scared to say I’m gay. I’m not gay. My family is the most accepting group of people ever. If I was gay, I’d say. If I was gay it would be easier to explain. A lot of people don’t understand bisexuality.
  3. I have known since I was 15 that I wasn’t straight. But it was confusing for a long time. I wasn’t sure until I turned 20 that I was bi. I definitely like girls and I definitely like guys.
  4. You don’t have to approve of me, but that won’t change who I am.
  5. Me being with a girl doesn’t make me straight.
  6. Me being with a guy doesn’t make me gay.
  7. Bisexuality doesn’t just vanish when you choose to be with someone.
  8. How do I know? Uh, idk, how’d you know you were straight? That’s what I thought.

I am still me. Still Lucas. The same person I was before I you read this. If you think this changes who I am, you’re wrong. If it changes you’re perception of me, that’s silly. I am quite literally no different than I was before, except I’m being more open about myself.


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Hello Again

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Category : Hello Again

Hi people! This time around we’re tackling anxiety and what may or may not be an autism spectrum disorder. Let’s dig in.

These blog posts are my attempt at being more social, outside of my circle of internet friends. There are very few people I talk to, and they all reside on the interwebs. I have real friends, but they are all either in school or live 1000s of miles away now.

I shut myself into this shell of quiet to hide from people. Even people who do know me know I hate talking, or being open. It’s not easy. Asking a simple question of somebody causes me a lot of anxiety, it can take days for me to ask people things.

I decided I’ve had enough of this ridiculousness. I’m not necessarily powering through it, as some people seem to think is possible. It doesn’t get any easier. It’s horrible to be scared to order a fucking coffee at Starbucks. I am trying my hardest to do these everyday things though. I am trying to be a person instead of the quiet introvert I have become.

People can be harsh and terrible creatures. Hating someone else for how they look, or who they love. It’s sickening to me. You should like or dislike people based on their actions, not who they go home to.

My fear of speaking to people stems from this hatred they are able to produce. Knowing people don’t like me is a terrifying thought, and I’m not quite sure why. It will happen through life, but the thought of it destroys me inside. It sounds a bit self centered, and of course it is. I am me, who else would I be centered around?

The worst part of the anxiety side of things is the physical manifestations it brings on: chest pains, shortness of breath, uncontrollable crying, shaking, and a plenitude of other goodies. Each panic attack brings different cards to the table. I usually just stop talking to people and recede into my thoughts when they come about, but becoming a zombie when people talk to you isn’t attractive I guess.

I also think. Constantly. I know this sounds weird, but it’s incredibly annoying. Never having a clear head, always thinking of something, forever. This is the reason I tend to blow my eardrums out with music. The lyrics help drown out my own thoughts, which strangely helps me focus on tasks.

So, here I am. My name is Lucas. If you talk to me I may burst into tears, but hey, don’t hate me for it.

Thanks for reading. If you read the whole thing, go get a cookie. I don’t have any, but you deserve one.


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Hello Again!

Category : Hello Again

Hi! If you’re reading this here blog post, then you probably know me by my internet persona of Lukan Spellweaver. Programming wizard mediocaire!

Well, that’s all fine and dandy, but as I’m about to get into all this bloggin’ and what not, I thought you may want to get to know me, Lucas. The man behind the magic.

My name, as said above, is Lucas, Lucas Smith. I am a 21 year old game developer seated in my bedroom in the apartment me and my father have in California. (Yeah, still mooching of the parents…) I like Zelda, Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream, and cold weather. I could stay inside all day and listen to music while reading, but I don’t often get to do that.

We (me and dad) Just recently (7 months ago) got moved out to California by my dad’s long lost cousin, Carol. She’s a sweetheart. Hadn’t seen dad in over 20 years, and dragged us across the country to be close to her and her brother, Steve. We were living in Florida! We drove almost 3000 miles just to move out here.

We are now closer to Carol than ever. We live in the apartment just across from her! Our balconies are like two yards away from each other. I talk to her out there a lot.

I have been interested in video games for most of my life. My earliest memories contain video games! A Taz game on the Genesis. Ugh, never could beat that game.

One day in my mid-teens, I decided to Google how to make games. I ended up starting something that would change my life, forever.

This thing I started was amazing. It has connected me to so many amazing people from all around the world! From Croatia to Australia! Canada to right here in California! So many people who have enriched and bettered my life. I have learned a lot from them, and they are amazing friends.

This thing, by the way, is the one major thing we all have in common. Making Games. Well, mostly. Some of them haven’t made any games in a while, they just stick around to chat with people.

This one simple thing I Googled when I was 15 has made me who I am today. I am the wizard who makes games.

If you sat through this horrid trek through my thoughts, go get a cookie for yourself. I don’t have any, but you deserve one.

Hello Agains will be posted every Monday on the Blog, they may show up in video form too.

Really, thanks for reading though. It means a lot. Stick around for more blogs, and perhaps a vlog or two!